The more I’m home lately, the more dysphoric I feel. It’s not that anything bad happens, but nothing good happens. And I’m dreading - positively dreading - revealing the fact that I actually am not over the moon about the idea of going to college and I wasn’t ever excited over Kent State, but I thought it would have grown on me more by now. I’m defaulting to Hocking, but I really wasn’t all that disappointed in it, I just sort of pretended to be for my family’s sake… But now I realise, after 12 years of having it drilled into me that I WILL go to college, it is my choice. I cannot imagine enjoying my life being tied up for four years for a degree I don’t NEED for my job. I don’t want to completely forsake school, but I also have no desire to have the “true” college experience. So I’ll go two years, become commissioned as a police officer and then get licensed as a ranger. If my family can’t handle that, then maybe I won’t handle them being a part of my life for the next two years. What’s more is my aunt will link this to my having a boyfriend (when she actually finds out he is more than a friend of a friend’s brother, that is) but I just had the gradual, but shattering, realisation that I never really wanted to go to school to do anything but teach. But as disgusted as I am with the public school system, and after seeing what my cousins (teachers themselves) have dealt with, it just isn’t I the cards for me at the moment. It might sound horrible but I sort of hope there is some big freak out when my aunt learns of my true plans for school and/or my relationship because I’d love to just leave for a while, no help from them and no questions asked. I love them, and appreciate them providing for me for the past eleven or so years but I just need a break. How long of one I can’t say, but I can’t take much more of the cognitive dissonance being in this house causes.